that moment when someone finds me physically attractive...
... and then has to contend with the fact that i am a middle-aged neurodivergent man that is very mature and very smart when it comes to many things, but still needs a shitload of help from his family. you can feel the change of tone. you can feel the deference coming from a place of compassion rather than from the loins. they feel sorry, and why wouldn't they. on one hand you want to stop masking, live your life like on that dogma 95 movie von trier made and let others worry about my shit. on the other hand you want to be treated with respect and reverence. you know what's not attractive at all to me? normality. conformity. the average joe or jane. you fuckers [k i l l e d] the manic pixie girls. you fuckers made everything mediocre. you made minimalism tacky and i have to ask what kind of aspirational piece of shit would do something like that. this world is rank and the kind of people i like retreated into marriage or academic endeavors because they knew that there was their only chance. i cannot date normies. I am terrified of other neurodivergent people. my life is turning into a song the smiths never wrote. no one prepared me for this. i went to the mall with my family and they helped me choose and pay for a new pair glasses. i could've flirted with the optometrist, but my neurospiciness was showing and i felt embarrassed. also, the test required lots of eye contact and I was starting to feel rather overwhelmed. can you be autistic and sexy without being rich or a savant? fuck, i don't know. i feel embarrassed. i need better wingmen in my life. i need wingmen in my life. i need a life in my life, in the empty space that i reserved for a life different from this one, in the collection of beige routines that keep me from killing myself after a shitty day at work. no wonder i'm livid all the time. i need to get laid and all i have/am is a body with an uneven brain and the dating experience of an introverted twentysomething whose special interests coincided with the zeitgeist for a few wonderful years.